“The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. What is called resignation is confirmed desperation. From the desperate city you go into the desperate country, and have to console yourself with the bravery of minks and muskrats. A stereotyped but unconscious despair is concealed even under what are called the games and amusements of mankind. There is no play in them, for this comes after work. But it is a characteristic of wisdom not to do desperate things.”
–Henry David Thoreau, from Walden, or Life in the Woods
When Henry David Thoreau retreated to Walden pond to experiment in simple living and reminisce on how to transcend the desperate existence of most humans through self-reliance, reflection and solitude, he surely couldn’t have predicted that one day the American man wouldn’t need to use the oven to make a quesadilla like some kind of asshole.
Our modern existence is constantly, comically glutted with the useless “games and amusements of mankind”, the worthless products that fill our desperate lives with the illusion of structure and meaning while sadly confirming our despair. Sure, some of these things are totally awesome. But surely life would go on even without the expanding towels and Budweiser Cheladas of the world? If I want tabasco in my beer, I’ll put it in myself. Here’s a few other things that need to go away …
McGraw Eau du Toilette by Tim McGraw
“An instant classic. This men’s McGraw by Tim McGraw cologne spray has a woody, spicy fragrance that’s irresistibly masculine. Perfect for any occasion.”
If, by “any occasion”, you mean the occasions when you want an of angry badger to start rabidly humping your shins, then, yes, McGraw is for you. Because that’s what I want to smell like: Tim McGraw’s sweaty goatee hair leaving the stage right after a rousing 10-minute jam on “I Like It, I Love It”. Spicy.
“Tini Puppinis are the most popular pups in town. Whether they’re out shopping for the hottest trends, getting pampered at their favorite spa or just hanging out at the local coffee shop, these doggie divas attract a lot of attention! They know that whatever they’re wearing today, all the other pups will be wearing tomorrow.”
Oh my f***. There isn’t an adjective blunt enough to describe the rush of burning bile that shoots up my gullet after watching the commercial for Tini Puppini. “Instant” comes close. It’s bad enough to teach your kids to be frivolous consumers at such a young age, but do you have to add such a disturbing anthropomorphic sexuality into the whole disgraceful affair? Bratz dolls are a junior chemistry set compared to Tini Puppini.
“You want to keep warm when you’re feeling chill, /
But you don’t want to raise your heating bill. /
Blankets are OK, but they can slip and slide. /
And when you need to reach for something, your hands are trapped inside. /
Now there’s the Snuggie!”
Yep, a big fleece blanket with sleeves and a head-hole. Because regular blankets are such a f****** hassle! No more sitting around on the couch struggling to drink coffee and be under a blanket at the same time like a chump. Oh, and all those other blankets with sleeves and a head-hole? F*** them! Don’t even think about buying that shit. The snuggie is clearly the best blanket with sleeves and a head-hole. And you get a book light.