Three things that should go away

November 11th, 2008 · 14 Comments

Go away

“The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation. What is called resignation is confirmed desperation. From the desperate city you go into the desperate country, and have to console yourself with the bravery of minks and muskrats. A stereotyped but unconscious despair is concealed even under what are called the games and amusements of mankind. There is no play in them, for this comes after work. But it is a characteristic of wisdom not to do desperate things.”
–Henry David Thoreau, from Walden, or Life in the Woods

When Henry David Thoreau retreated to Walden pond to experiment in simple living and reminisce on how to transcend the desperate existence of most humans through self-reliance, reflection and solitude, he surely couldn’t have predicted that one day the American man wouldn’t need to use the oven to make a quesadilla like some kind of asshole.

Our modern existence is constantly, comically glutted with the useless “games and amusements of mankind”, the worthless products that fill our desperate lives with the illusion of structure and meaning while sadly confirming our despair. Sure, some of these things are totally awesome. But surely life would go on even without the expanding towels and Budweiser Cheladas of the world? If I want tabasco in my beer, I’ll put it in myself. Here’s a few other things that need to go away …

McGraw Eau du Toilette by Tim McGraw

“An instant classic. This men’s McGraw by Tim McGraw cologne spray has a woody, spicy fragrance that’s irresistibly masculine. Perfect for any occasion.”

If, by “any occasion”, you mean the occasions when you want an of angry badger to start rabidly humping your shins, then, yes, McGraw is for you. Because that’s what I want to smell like: Tim McGraw’s sweaty goatee hair leaving the stage right after a rousing 10-minute jam on “I Like It, I Love It”. Spicy.

Tini Puppini

“Tini Puppinis are the most popular pups in town. Whether they’re out shopping for the hottest trends, getting pampered at their favorite spa or just hanging out at the local coffee shop, these doggie divas attract a lot of attention! They know that whatever they’re wearing today, all the other pups will be wearing tomorrow.”

Oh my f***. There isn’t an adjective blunt enough to describe the rush of burning bile that shoots up my gullet after watching the commercial for Tini Puppini. “Instant” comes close. It’s bad enough to teach your kids to be frivolous consumers at such a young age, but do you have to add such a disturbing anthropomorphic sexuality into the whole disgraceful affair? Bratz dolls are a junior chemistry set compared to Tini Puppini.

The Snuggie

“You want to keep warm when you’re feeling chill, /
But you don’t want to raise your heating bill. /
Blankets are OK, but they can slip and slide. /
And when you need to reach for something, your hands are trapped inside. /
Now there’s the Snuggie!”

Yep, a big fleece blanket with sleeves and a head-hole. Because regular blankets are such a f****** hassle! No more sitting around on the couch struggling to drink coffee and be under a blanket at the same time like a chump. Oh, and all those other blankets with sleeves and a head-hole? F*** them! Don’t even think about buying that shit. The snuggie is clearly the best blanket with sleeves and a head-hole. And you get a book light.

Tags: Laffs · Lists

14 responses so far ↓

  • 1 bryce // Nov 11, 2008 at 8:15 am

    aahhahahah I was just ripping on the slanket last night

  • 2 jack // Nov 11, 2008 at 8:23 am

    i saw that tini puppinis segment on The Soup the other night and my brain exploded

  • 3 Christian BC // Nov 11, 2008 at 9:00 am

    That McGraw thing is so hard to believe. I can’t believe I used to idolize that rugged man.

    The Tini Puppinis vid got yanked. But nothing could take the place of Bratz.

    As for the Snuggie, I gotta tell you guys, I kinda want one. Though I’ll probably buy the Slanket cus the names is better.

  • 4 Kerry // Nov 11, 2008 at 10:15 am

    I almost peed my pants Joel… I had no idea you were so funny and yet so down to earth. I just remember the kid who dressed up like Alex from a Clock Work Orange… that I was slightly fearful of. (yeah.. I totally remember that)

    The sad thing is that they likely already sold a million snuggies… you know… all those cold college dorm rooms and all. What bad mother wouldn’t buy one for their cold child?

    Their are a million red necks (many we probably went to school with) wearing that McGraw piss… What is a night out on the town without Wranglers and a few sprits of McGraw piss?? The Dallas Bull is probably rank with the scent.

    Oh… and your video for Puppinis is “no longer available.” You don’t want to get me started on the commercial brain washing that goes on with the youth of the nation. They’re f**ked.

  • 5 Joel // Nov 11, 2008 at 10:36 am

    Hey Kerry!

    How goes it? I’m glad you enjoyed the post. As you can see, I spend my valuable time these days looking at garbage on the Internet …

    That is weird about the Puppinis video, I had just found it yesterday. I am desperately searching for something to replace it. The commercial doesn’t appear to be on YouTube, and that clip from the Soup, which had at least part of the commercial, was the best I could find. For now you can watch the video they have on their website.

    I have those Clockwork Orange pics somewhere, I should scan those babies in!

  • 6 Joel // Nov 11, 2008 at 10:38 am

    OK, Tini Puppini vid fixed, don’t know how I missed that yesterday

  • 7 Friesen Point // Nov 11, 2008 at 12:02 pm

    Joel, I too didn’t realize that you were so funny.

  • 8 Jason // Nov 11, 2008 at 2:52 pm

    Somebody is a negative nelly.

    Instead of railing against the hard working, creative geniuses that keep america running and their fine consumer products, I feel something should be said for a couple of products that would be totally awes and leave it to these intuitive, brilliant people to go ahead and invent them.

    1. MUTTiNS
    Muttons are mittens made out of muffins that you wear on your way to work to stay warm. Upon arrive at you destination, you can enjoy bodily warm moist (sweaty) muffin. SHAPED LIKE YOUR FIST!

    2. PLAYZER
    You kids will be gettin’ there friends to scream “Don’t plaze me bro!” in no time!

    3. The Baby Box
    Tired of hearing your newborn child bitch and moan all day? Just place said annoyance in the box and and a gentle breeze of slightly-noxious gases will gently put mommies little reason she started to drink again right to sleep for seven to eight hours!

    Get to it, American Ingenuity!

  • 9 Joel // Nov 11, 2008 at 5:53 pm

    Jason, you’re a corporate whore. Why don’t you do yourself a favor and kill your television.

  • 10 meredith // Nov 13, 2008 at 9:03 am

    Jason, I always knew you would eventually make your career as an Idea Man.

  • 11 Dixon // Nov 14, 2008 at 11:11 am

    Good call on the tini puppinis.
    I think you & those hair-flipping ‘pinis just inspired a new word- anthropoWHOREphism.

  • 12 Joel // Nov 14, 2008 at 11:15 am

    I like it

  • 13 Dillon // Nov 17, 2008 at 9:08 pm

    you should scan those Clockwork pictures in! I haven’t seen them in forever, although I may only be in one of two of them.

  • 14 cheap jordans // Oct 23, 2014 at 4:38 pm

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